A friend of mine (I’ll call her Mary) recently posed the question; can a man love more than one woman at a time? Mary’s positioned herself in an odd threesome of sorts where she is seeing a man who is currently in a relationship with another woman. He claims he loves Mary as well as his girlfriend and Mary finds herself puzzled as if to believe this man. See it was one thing when they were just engaged in a physical relationship, but now that feelings are becoming involved, Mary wonders if she is on an emotional Titanic. I find this situation intriguing enough to discuss here. Is it possible for any man to love more than one woman at the same time? Let us explore this and see what you decide.
Now, it is true that there are various cultures and religions in which having more than one wife is an acceptable practice. Perhaps one of the most well known of these religions is Islam where the man is allowed to have up to four wives. In this case, the man is allowed to take on another wife if circumstances require such action and if he can treat each one equally. Here in lies the rub. Even the Qur’an states that “It is very difficult to be just and fair between women”. [Al-Qur'an (4:129)] How do you share time equally? What if one woman wants to go shopping at the same time that the other woman wants to have alone time cuddling? How do you share affection equally? Would you be able to give a back massage to one woman with as much passion as you give to the other? How do you share financial responsibilities equally? Last time I checked it was still a recession, so how do you wine and dine both women the way they deserve to be spoiled? A real solid and fruitful relationship requires time and energy to cultivate the love and future possible. What real love and future can you create with an individual that is already putting that work in with another person?
Let’s take this out of the context of religion and focus on the man who’s not trying to marry more than one woman. He just wants his main woman at home and to have you on the side. Does he really love you as much as he loves her? Ummm no, sorry to burst anyone’s bubble. But let’s be real about the situation you are in. He’s taking care of the woman at home! What is he doing for you besides ringing your bell from time to time and providing you with good conversation? Has he paid any of your bills? Does he take care of you when you are sick? Does he bring you flowers just because it’s Wednesday? Does he call you at night so you can be the last voice he hears before bed? Does he call you in the morning because he needs to hear your voice to get his day moving? Does he do anything romantic for you outside of the times he’s trying to find out what underwear you wore that day? Does he give you foot massages? Do you have sex every time you see each other (can we say booty call status)? What kind of quality time are you two sharing? Are you even sharing any quality time? Do you take any vacations together? Do you all own a timeshare together? Ladies, trust he’s not doing these things with you because he’s already doing them with his woman. You know, the one he actually loves! What sound did I just hear? Was that the sound of a bubble popping?! Again, sorry but you’ve got to be real about your situation.
If he loved you, he’d be with you. See when you really love someone you’d do anything to be with them. You’d make sacrifices. You’d take the risk of letting go of the past to create a new future. If he’s not willing to do this for you than he doesn’t really love you. Don’t fall for the game and the crocodile tears ladies. Maybe he cares about you, but that’s where it ends. See his current relationship will never allow him to fully explore any kind of love he may have for you. When is he going to have the time, mentally and emotionally? Now I know you really want to believe he loves you. I mean he tells you he loves you every time you two speak, and it sounds really nice and really convincing. But look at where he is at the end of the day. Is it in your arms? No. It’s with his woman. The person he sees when he opens and closes his eyes at night is the one he wants to see. That’s the one his heart sees. You are only in his periphery.
Now with this said, if you want to continue seeing him, by all means do you. I don’t believe in home wreckers. I think a home is already wrecked if another woman is allowed into play. Sometimes a relationship has already run its course and the individuals just refuse to see and accept that reality. Perhaps you are supplying something that he feels is missing from his relationship. But ask yourself, are you really satisfied with just being someone’s supplement or do you want to be someone’s full nourishment? Only you can decide what’s best for you. Just don’t put your life on hold waiting to see if he will love you enough to be with you. This will probably never happen. Treat yourself like the single woman you are and explore other people. If this man knows how to ring a bell to the right tone, than hey ring on. But don’t ever confuse lust for love. Both words begin with the same letter but have completely different meanings. Learn to listen to the actions rather than the words. And at some point be ready to love yourself more than the love you’ve created for this man.
Blog Challenge: Try to figure out if you know the difference between lust and love. And as always feel free to share your sentiments here!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Safe Play
"Esha said...
Tell it Miss Harris, let us know about the woman who always play it safe and never lets that alter ego out because she wants to please other people ... Let the bitch out and let her be free!
Waiting fo Mo"
Let’s play a game. Let’s play it safe. Skip to the lou my darling! Do you really want to walk around wrapped in a huge Durex? Now, in certain situations playing it safe is a must. Who wants to end up on Maury or in a morgue when condoms are a much cheaper and less embarrassing option? When it comes to discovering who you truly are however, or your true potential, playing it safe will just cause you to miss your life. Reality check, time waits for no one! How many birthday candles have you blown out and still don’t have the life you want? How many goals have you set that you have not achieved? Have you even given up on setting them?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson
Here we go Esha, to the heart of your request. The above quote is one of my favorites. It’s so accurate. When you’re playing it safe, you’re playing it scared. You choose comfort over greatness. How many relationships have you stayed in knowing you weren’t satisfied, but it was just familiar? Maybe you believed you couldn’t do better. Maybe you figured well he pays my bills, so I’m not going to rock the boat. How many times have you stayed at a job that made you dread waking up in the morning just because you knew it meant you had to go to work? Perhaps you rationalized to yourself that you have bills and you just have to accept that life isn’t always about doing what you want but about what you need to get done. Perhaps you believe you won’t get another job that’s as flexible, or pays as much so you stay. Perhaps you’ve even convinced yourself that it’s a recession so you have to take any job you can get. The amount of questions and rationales that have been created throughout time is endless. The reality is it’s all an excuse. You can pay your own bills. You can have the kind of relationship you want. You can have the career that satisfies your being (people it’s time to upgrade from jobs to careers! Find your passion and embrace it!). You can have the life you want, but you have to stop being a turtle, stick your head out of your shell and demand what you want. Demand it of yourself first, and then you will get it from others. What you will realize is that once you assert what you want and refuse to settle, somehow the cosmos align and the life you want begins to manifest. But this requires that you do not play it safe.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing on the turf another person created for you? Who are you allowing to dictate your future, or your present? What past are you creating today? My sisters, you must realize you are the foundation of this world. Yeah, a man may hold it up, but trust we are the muscles that keep those arms strong enough to support that weight. If you are weak, your life with reflect that weakness. When you walk in a room if you are not a threat to at least one person in there something is missing. I’m not saying that you should be a beast and intimidate everyone. But even in your most gentle moment, your strength will humble another and even at times make them question themselves. And in inciting these questions you may help another find the answers to questions they didn’t even know they had. You cannot inspire anyone else to greatness until you yourself aspire to greatness. So the next time you want to complain about your man, your job, anything about your life, don’t even bother wasting your time. At that point you have the life you’ve settled for and until you are willing to have the life you want you’re going to continue to be singing the same sad tired old song. My time is too valuable for that croon, and yours should be too. And if you have friends that allow you to continue to do that karaoke you better check who is in your camp. Birds of a feather flock together, so are you rolling with chickens or eagles?
Your parents may have named you, but you still get to decide what name you will answer to. When demanding what you want of yourself and not allowing others to make you stumble while you strut, you may be labeled a bitch. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with allowing that alter you to come out. Next time someone calls you a bitch because you are asserting your opinion, simply say thank you and let that person know what that bitch’s name is. Beyonce calls her Sasha. Maria Carey calls her Mimi. Do you have a name for your alter ego yet? Are you even ready to have what you want yet?
Blog Challenge: Discover and name your alter ego. And as always feel free to share your sentiments here!
Tell it Miss Harris, let us know about the woman who always play it safe and never lets that alter ego out because she wants to please other people ... Let the bitch out and let her be free!
Waiting fo Mo"
Let’s play a game. Let’s play it safe. Skip to the lou my darling! Do you really want to walk around wrapped in a huge Durex? Now, in certain situations playing it safe is a must. Who wants to end up on Maury or in a morgue when condoms are a much cheaper and less embarrassing option? When it comes to discovering who you truly are however, or your true potential, playing it safe will just cause you to miss your life. Reality check, time waits for no one! How many birthday candles have you blown out and still don’t have the life you want? How many goals have you set that you have not achieved? Have you even given up on setting them?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson
Here we go Esha, to the heart of your request. The above quote is one of my favorites. It’s so accurate. When you’re playing it safe, you’re playing it scared. You choose comfort over greatness. How many relationships have you stayed in knowing you weren’t satisfied, but it was just familiar? Maybe you believed you couldn’t do better. Maybe you figured well he pays my bills, so I’m not going to rock the boat. How many times have you stayed at a job that made you dread waking up in the morning just because you knew it meant you had to go to work? Perhaps you rationalized to yourself that you have bills and you just have to accept that life isn’t always about doing what you want but about what you need to get done. Perhaps you believe you won’t get another job that’s as flexible, or pays as much so you stay. Perhaps you’ve even convinced yourself that it’s a recession so you have to take any job you can get. The amount of questions and rationales that have been created throughout time is endless. The reality is it’s all an excuse. You can pay your own bills. You can have the kind of relationship you want. You can have the career that satisfies your being (people it’s time to upgrade from jobs to careers! Find your passion and embrace it!). You can have the life you want, but you have to stop being a turtle, stick your head out of your shell and demand what you want. Demand it of yourself first, and then you will get it from others. What you will realize is that once you assert what you want and refuse to settle, somehow the cosmos align and the life you want begins to manifest. But this requires that you do not play it safe.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing on the turf another person created for you? Who are you allowing to dictate your future, or your present? What past are you creating today? My sisters, you must realize you are the foundation of this world. Yeah, a man may hold it up, but trust we are the muscles that keep those arms strong enough to support that weight. If you are weak, your life with reflect that weakness. When you walk in a room if you are not a threat to at least one person in there something is missing. I’m not saying that you should be a beast and intimidate everyone. But even in your most gentle moment, your strength will humble another and even at times make them question themselves. And in inciting these questions you may help another find the answers to questions they didn’t even know they had. You cannot inspire anyone else to greatness until you yourself aspire to greatness. So the next time you want to complain about your man, your job, anything about your life, don’t even bother wasting your time. At that point you have the life you’ve settled for and until you are willing to have the life you want you’re going to continue to be singing the same sad tired old song. My time is too valuable for that croon, and yours should be too. And if you have friends that allow you to continue to do that karaoke you better check who is in your camp. Birds of a feather flock together, so are you rolling with chickens or eagles?
Your parents may have named you, but you still get to decide what name you will answer to. When demanding what you want of yourself and not allowing others to make you stumble while you strut, you may be labeled a bitch. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with allowing that alter you to come out. Next time someone calls you a bitch because you are asserting your opinion, simply say thank you and let that person know what that bitch’s name is. Beyonce calls her Sasha. Maria Carey calls her Mimi. Do you have a name for your alter ego yet? Are you even ready to have what you want yet?
Blog Challenge: Discover and name your alter ego. And as always feel free to share your sentiments here!
Monday, January 4, 2010
I Saw Him
My mind remained blind to his advances but my heart welcomed him unconditionally. My mind knows that he is not meant for me but my heart is too stubborn to accept the reality. Such a conflict is not new to the female species. Even the Amazonians amongst us fall susceptible to unconditional love. Beautiful and simultaneously serpentine is this love. It both strengthens and weakens when inconvenient.
Is it wrong of me to say I don’t care about his other self? That's rhetorical. I don't really care about having permission to feel or act out my feelings. Sometimes it really doesn't matter that he has already created a life with another person. When he's with me, it's like that other self doesn't exist. We create whatever reality we want and then willingly release ourselves from that reality when it's time for him to depart. Indulging my mind or my heart depends on the day and what I want to do.
Living a life full of doing what I want and not what I have to do, or what is expected of me to do, is the life that I am creating. Does this mean that sometimes I will be met with disapproval? Yes, and I look forward to it. I'm not here to please anyone. I would exhaust myself awaiting acceptance. Is there really any one person on this earth who is that worthy to tell you it's ok to be who you are, to do what you're doing? If you say yes, perhaps you've given that person way too much power of your being. I'm not the one. You did not create me so I cannot let you define me. This is the point in my life where I will be defined as a bitch. Yet I do not bark my requests I simply let it be known. If this is wrong, I encourage more of you to be wrong with me.
Blog Challenge: Ask yourself what you want! Don't allow this question to be blocked or confused by what you think is possible. Ask yourself what you truly want. Give yourself permission to be okay with not having your whole life mapped out. You can even just answer what you want today. Once you figure this out, ask yourself are you being the person you need to be in order for you to have the life that you want or even the day that you want. If the answer is yes, congratulations. If the answer is no, then be honest with yourself and figure out what you need to eliminate or incorporate to have the life that you want. And as always, feel free to share on this site your sentiments!
Is it wrong of me to say I don’t care about his other self? That's rhetorical. I don't really care about having permission to feel or act out my feelings. Sometimes it really doesn't matter that he has already created a life with another person. When he's with me, it's like that other self doesn't exist. We create whatever reality we want and then willingly release ourselves from that reality when it's time for him to depart. Indulging my mind or my heart depends on the day and what I want to do.
Living a life full of doing what I want and not what I have to do, or what is expected of me to do, is the life that I am creating. Does this mean that sometimes I will be met with disapproval? Yes, and I look forward to it. I'm not here to please anyone. I would exhaust myself awaiting acceptance. Is there really any one person on this earth who is that worthy to tell you it's ok to be who you are, to do what you're doing? If you say yes, perhaps you've given that person way too much power of your being. I'm not the one. You did not create me so I cannot let you define me. This is the point in my life where I will be defined as a bitch. Yet I do not bark my requests I simply let it be known. If this is wrong, I encourage more of you to be wrong with me.
Blog Challenge: Ask yourself what you want! Don't allow this question to be blocked or confused by what you think is possible. Ask yourself what you truly want. Give yourself permission to be okay with not having your whole life mapped out. You can even just answer what you want today. Once you figure this out, ask yourself are you being the person you need to be in order for you to have the life that you want or even the day that you want. If the answer is yes, congratulations. If the answer is no, then be honest with yourself and figure out what you need to eliminate or incorporate to have the life that you want. And as always, feel free to share on this site your sentiments!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Introducing The Other Woman
Within every woman lies her alter ego, the "Other Woman" you might say. This alter you steps in when your main self needs a break. She can be the housewife, the bitch, the sideline hoe. She is whatever you need her to be when desired. This Other Woman becomes the hidden you. She is not your representative that shakes your fellow board executives' hands. She is the you that makes your man talk in tongues in the bedroom, or the you that curses someone out in such a classy way that they don't even know their ass has been handed to them until the conversation is over. She is the you, you wish you could be the majority of the time if you didn't have so many responsibilities, or an image to uphold.
The Other Woman has always been apart of you. She has been growing in the deepest part of your being, awaiting opportunities to introduce herself to others. Sometimes she takes over without your permission, before you even know what’s happening. Sometimes you ask her to take control, only to hear later from others, "Girl what happened, you don't normally act like that?," or "That's a side of you I hardly ever see!" The Other Woman is like that sexy black dress you save for special occasions; your skin tight, too short, everybody can see your business dress. It's hidden behind all your professional attire, your forced minglings, your welcomed and unwelcomed responsibilities.
I discovered my black dress many years ago, and it has become a welcomed addition to my wardrobe. Here, I will wear this dress comfortably for everyone to observe, critique, and explore. I hope that as you all discover the many facets this Other Woman contains, you too will begin to discover the Other Woman within you, if you have not done so already. No topic is too risqué for my alter me and shouldn't be for you either. The Other Woman will explore topics around being a black professional, being single, being the "sideline hoe," being a mother, being an entrepreneur, to name a few. For the Other Woman can be all of these things and more. You will be able to ask questions that will hopefully caress the Other Woman out of yourself. Welcome to the world of the Other Woman, the world she creates and that is not created for her.
The Other Woman has always been apart of you. She has been growing in the deepest part of your being, awaiting opportunities to introduce herself to others. Sometimes she takes over without your permission, before you even know what’s happening. Sometimes you ask her to take control, only to hear later from others, "Girl what happened, you don't normally act like that?," or "That's a side of you I hardly ever see!" The Other Woman is like that sexy black dress you save for special occasions; your skin tight, too short, everybody can see your business dress. It's hidden behind all your professional attire, your forced minglings, your welcomed and unwelcomed responsibilities.
I discovered my black dress many years ago, and it has become a welcomed addition to my wardrobe. Here, I will wear this dress comfortably for everyone to observe, critique, and explore. I hope that as you all discover the many facets this Other Woman contains, you too will begin to discover the Other Woman within you, if you have not done so already. No topic is too risqué for my alter me and shouldn't be for you either. The Other Woman will explore topics around being a black professional, being single, being the "sideline hoe," being a mother, being an entrepreneur, to name a few. For the Other Woman can be all of these things and more. You will be able to ask questions that will hopefully caress the Other Woman out of yourself. Welcome to the world of the Other Woman, the world she creates and that is not created for her.
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